


Dead Shades Of Grey.

by orphan_account



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hongjoong is stuck in his mind, M/M, sorry Hongjoong, this is just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When walls are built, they're expected to withstand the toughest of blows. But sometimes, all it takes is a few soft brushes, and all comes crumbling down.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Dead Shades Of Grey.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: depression, implied suicidal thoughts, implied eating disorder

Everyone has their grey days. 

Whether it comes in the form of dropping a mug of hot coffee all over your favourite shirt or snapping a bone after falling down some stairs. There's plenty of shades, from the lightest and barely noticeable problems, to the darkest, most terrifying days. There are days where you're clammed up and victim to your own horrible thoughts. Days where you can't bring yourself to carry out the most basic human functions, falling down the deepest and darkest holes hidden in the back of your mind. And some days, the holes grow and expand, the thoughts darken and multiply, and it gets so _fucking_ loud, there's no escape.

Kim Hongjoong is having one of those days.

The small lump of Hongjoong's body is barely noticeable under the thick duvets of his bed. It doesn't help that he is hardly moving, and it is not uncommon to mistake his figure for one of the many pillows surrounding his body.

Thick curtains block out the sunny rays of the outside world, the windows are tightly sealed to mute the chatter of the street below their dorm that bustles with life. And why wouldn't it? The sun is generously beaming and sharing her warmth, the sky is clear and the shines the most beautiful shade of blue. It's _spring,_ after all those cold and dark nights that winter brought, spring was finally here.

But for Hongjoong, spring never comes and he is forever trapped in the winter of his cruel, cruel mind. 

Where beautiful flowers bloom outside, grim thoughts unfold in the darkest shadows of Hongjoong's self.

It's noon, Hongjoong thinks, he doesn't know for sure, time has no concept when you're stuck in a twisted loop of darkness and chaos. His memories are hazy and jumbled, yesterday's events are almost impossible to recall. It takes a few moments, but Hongjoong gradually remembers. 

He remembers declining when Wooyoung and San pleaded him to eat with them. He couldn't afford to waste a moment, Hongjoong was in the midst of working on a new title track that Eden requested a sample of by that night.

Hongjoong isn't a workaholic, he swears. His members, all seven of them would disagree instantly. And that's understandable, because Hongjoong does spend almost every waking moment cooped up in the small space of his tiny studio. 

The thing is, it's easier to silence the shrieking voices of his thoughts when he is working, it's easier to drown out the feelings of agony and painful despair with the loud beats that sound through his headphones.

He doesn't tell them that though. It isn't that he doesn't trust them, never that, but Hongjoong doesn't think he could live with the idea of burdening his already stressed out members, especially when _he_ was their leader.

And keeping silent about his personal struggles had worked perfectly, until a certain member confronted him last night.

There's only so far that faux happiness and pretences could get you, Hongjoong thinks, so yesterday night's events were bound to happen at some point.

***

The weight that settled uncomfortably on Hongjoong's chest pressed down slowly as his tired eyes flickered all over the screen. His fingers flew over the keyboard in attempts to fix parts of the lyrics and beats he had been working on. Hongjoong eyes were dull and void of any liveliness he usually carried with him.

Nothing was working, and Hongjoong was slowly losing his patience and sanity.

Eden had requested a sample and Hongjoong was determined to send it off before the next day arrived, and the clock hanging on the wall warned that he didn't have any longer than an hour. 

Panic was slowly seeping into him, and the pressure on his chest was merciless. Yet Hongjoong attempted to ignore the warning signs of an incoming panic attack, strained eyes remained locked on the brightly lit screen before him.

He'd been so lost between battling himself and trying so goddamn hard to get something to work, that the soft click of his door shutting went by unheard. And so, when warm fingers lightly met his shoulder, Hongjoong jerked back so hard, causing the owner to step back in shock.

Hongjoong's frantic eyes met Seonghwa's surprised but warm ones, immediately feeling a few grams lighter.

But it wasn't enough, and not even Seonghwa and his gentle voice could pull him out of his twisted mind on days like this.

The frown that took over Seonghwa's features after taking a longer glace at Hongjoong's Hongjoong's face wasn't foreign. He knew what caused it; the bags under his eyes that sank into his skin and the strained flicker in his gaze. 

To anyone else, Hongjoong looked as though he was simply in his working zone, but a closer looked told Seonghwa exactly what he needed to know. And Hongjoong hated that, he loathed how much effort he could put in putting his broken pieces together and looking fine only for Seonghwa's gaze to easily see right where the long lines of the cracks he painted over ran.

"San told me you haven't eaten." It wasn't a question, but Hongjoong knew Seonghwa was waiting for an explanation.

He shrugged, "I'm dieting," the lie was smooth and completely believable, they were idols and dieting wasn't unheard of.

But Seonghwa scoffed, and Hongjoong longed to be _anywhere_ but in his presence.

"Hongjoong, you didn't eat anything yesterday either. And the day before that, you had an apple." Hongjoong swallowed the annoyance that began building up his throat. The last thing he needed was a walking and talking personal tracker.

"I'm not hungry, Seonghwa. Drop it." With that, Hongjoong turned back to his work, hands reaching to place his headphones back on in clear dismissal—

"No." He froze in his spot, hands awkwardly hovering in the air. 

This wasn't the first time Seonghwa had defied him. Heck, the two of them butted heads alot, and although Seonghwa displayed huge amounts of respect for Hongjoong as their leader, he also almost never listened.

"If I walk out of that door, Hongjoong," his voice was low, and Hongjoong refused to see what expression his face wore, "I know for a fucking fact that you won't move from that spot. You won't take care of yourself and you'll lose yourself to your thoughts."

The arrow Seonghwa's words shot hit a perfect ten, when is Seonghwa _ever_ wrong about Hongjoong? And Hongjoong loved this, he didn't ever need to speak much for Seonghwa to understand, but right now? Hongjoong wishes Seonghwa would stop.

Because his walls that night had taken effort to build, and Hongjoong didn't know what he'd do to himself if Seonghwa tore those down.

"Seonghwa, _please."_

"Hongjoong, talk to me," he gently urged, "tell me what's going on."

_When walls are built, they're expected to withstand the toughest of blows. But sometimes, all it takes is a few soft brushes, and all comes crumbling down._

Hongjoong broke.

He ripped the headphones away from his neck and stood on shaky legs, which gave in pretty quickly and Hongjoong found himself crouched on the ground. The sob he heaved out was ripped harshly from his chest, and his upper body curled in.

" _Seonghwa,"_ his fingers gripped tightly onto the soft locks of his dyed hair as he lost foot in his jumbled up mind and fell, "Seonghwa I'm tired, I can't do anything right. The music isn't coming out right and I feel fucking stupid. I haven't—" his voice cracked pathetically and his fingers move to claw at his face, hiding Seonghwa from his view, "I can't eat anything because I'll gain weight and I'll look fucking _hideous_ and I'll let everyone down and I– I…" the weight on Hongjoong's chest finally sunk and he caught himself unable to breathe, falling faster and faster into the deepest and darkest pit his brain solely created to punish and torture him. Hongjoong felt himself drop and almost kiss the bottom of the darkness, before warm arms strongly wrapped around his shaking frame. Another pitiful cry was wretched out of his shivering body, and Hongjoong fell forward and into the familiar feeling of _Seonghwa._

"I'm tired, I hate this, I hate _me–"_ Hongjoong continued, and Seonghwa remained silent, "I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me, I don't— Seonghwa, I—"

"Hongjoong," Seonghwa's voice was firm. And any other day, Hongjoong would have appreciated it, but that night, as he lost himself to the chambers of his dark self, Hongjoong couldn't bring himself to really hear.

_"One by one, day by day." Seonghwa continued to repeat the words until Hongjoong's fingers fell limp and his breath evened out._

***

In present time, Hongjoong turns on his side, attempting his hardest to ignore the strong urge to make his way to the studio and continue his work.

Seonghwa phoned Eden last night, and explained Hongjoong was unwell and requested an extension to which he easily agreed. Next, Seonghwa took him home, forcing him to leave all his equipment, laptop included, at the studio.

He made him sit at the counter as he cooked up soup, gently urging him to eat and rewarding him with little praises. Hongjoong had cried and tried, and Seonghwa didn't make him force himself.

 _"One by one, Hongjoong,"_ he whispered as he held him and rubbed his back, " _day by day."_

He tucked him in that night, before telling him to _rest as much as he could,_ to _lean on him_ and to _not worry about them, because Seonghwa was here for him._

And if Hongjoong is facing hell alone in the small space of his own fucked up mind, one thing he knows for a fact is that he could trust Seonghwa blindly through the fire of it all.

_"One by one,"_ Hongjoong thinks, letting his eyes slowly shut, _"day by day."_

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: [@butterflyhwa](https://t.co/rBhTz1FIcB)


End file.
